If you’ve started saying no or setting boundaries, I want to start by saying—I’m so proud of you. It takes courage to step out of people-pleasing patterns and start prioritizing your own needs. But let’s be honest—change isn’t always smooth or easy.
Many of my clients share the same experience: “I feel so guilty every time I say no.” That guilt can feel heavy, pulling you back into old habits and leaving you wondering if setting boundaries was even the right thing to do.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Guilt is incredibly common for people-pleasers because it’s rooted in fear—fear of disappointing others, being judged, or even losing relationships.
Here’s the truth: guilt doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s often just a signal that you’re growing, stepping outside your comfort zone, and challenging patterns that no longer work for you.
As the authors of The Courage to Be Disliked remind us, “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither are other people living to satisfy yours.” Letting go of people-pleasing means accepting that it’s okay for others to feel disappointed or disagree with your choices. You can care for others and honor your own needs—they’re not mutually exclusive.
Let’s explore why guilt shows up, how it holds you back, and how you can work through it without falling back into old patterns.
Why Guilt Feels So Overwhelming
For many of us, guilt comes from beliefs that were ingrained early on, like:
• “If I say no, I’m selfish.”
• “If I set a boundary, I’ll hurt someone.”
• “If I prioritize myself, they’ll stop liking me.”
These beliefs may have helped you in the past. For example, maybe prioritizing others kept the peace in your family or helped you avoid criticism. But now, these beliefs are keeping you stuck. Guilt has become a reflex every time you try to prioritize yourself.
Cultural or societal values can also play a role. Some cultures place a high value on selflessness, harmony, or obedience, making it even harder to set boundaries without feeling guilty.
But guilt doesn’t have to define your actions. Instead, it can be a sign that you’re stepping into something new and challenging old patterns.
How to Break Free from the Guilt Trap
1. Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always the Enemy
Guilt often shows up because you’re doing something unfamiliar, not because you’ve done something wrong. Think of it as your brain’s way of adjusting to change—it’s uncomfortable, but it’s not a sign that you should stop.
Ask yourself:
• “Does this guilt come from real harm I’ve caused, or is it just the discomfort of breaking an old habit?”
• “If my friend were in my situation, would I expect them to feel guilty?”
Reframing guilt as a sign of growth, not failure, helps you move through it without letting it control your decisions.
2. Reframe the Idea of Selfishness
A common barrier to overcoming guilt is the belief that taking care of yourself is selfish. But here’s the truth: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
One client shared, “When I finally said no to something I couldn’t handle, I felt guilty at first. But later, I realized that by respecting my limits, I could show up better for the people who truly mattered to me.”
Here are some ways to reframe guilt-driven thoughts:
• Instead of “I’m being selfish,” try: “I’m setting limits so I can take care of myself and others.”
• Instead of “I don’t care about them if I say no,” try: “Prioritizing myself helps me be more present for the people I care about.”
As The Courage to Be Disliked reminds us, “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.” Choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re rejecting others—it means you’re showing yourself the respect you deserve.
3. Start Small with Boundaries
If the thought of setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start small. It’s okay to take it one step at a time. For example:
• Say no to something that feels low-stakes, like declining an invitation when you’re too tired.
• If saying no feels too hard, try offering an alternative: “I can’t help with that right now, but maybe I can support you in another way.”
• Take time before agreeing to something new. Try saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.”
Each small step builds confidence. Over time, those small boundaries will make bigger ones feel easier.
4. Accept That Others Might Feel Disappointed
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is dealing with other people’s reactions. You might worry about disappointing someone or being seen as selfish, and that guilt can make you second-guess yourself.
But here’s the thing: you’re not responsible for managing other people’s feelings. Their disappointment doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It simply means they’re adjusting to the new boundaries you’re setting.
As The Courage to Be Disliked explains, “A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.” Your worth isn’t based on others’ approval—it’s about whether your actions align with your values and meet your own needs.
5. Embrace Discomfort as Part of Growth
Growth is uncomfortable, and that’s okay. Setting boundaries can feel awkward, nerve-wracking, or even selfish at first, but those feelings are temporary.
A client once told me, “The first time I said no, I felt awful. But the more I did it, the more I realized that the people who truly cared about me respected my boundaries.”
Discomfort is a sign that you’re stepping into something new and brave. Over time, you’ll find it easier to stand by your boundaries without guilt weighing you down.
Final Thoughts: Guilt Is a Sign of Growth
If you feel guilty when you set boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re selfish or unkind. It means you’re stepping out of old patterns and learning to prioritize yourself, maybe for the first time. That’s brave.
As The Courage to Be Disliked reminds us, “Life is not a competition to be ranked, but rather a journey to be lived.” Each step you take toward honoring your needs is a step toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.
If guilt is something you’re struggling with, let’s talk about it. Together we’ll explore how to move through guilt, set boundaries, and create relationships where you feel valued and seen.
