Do you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Maybe you worry about letting someone down or feel like it’s your job to keep everyone happy. While it might seem like the easiest way to avoid conflict, people-pleasing often leaves you feeling drained, invisible, and disconnected from your own needs.
At first, it might feel natural—like you’re being kind or keeping the peace. But over time, people-pleasing takes a toll on your emotional and physical well-being. As Sue Johnson explains, “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” By hiding your true feelings and needs, you might avoid short-term discomfort, but you lose the chance for genuine connection—with others and yourself.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish; it’s about learning to prioritize your needs and reclaim your sense of self. Let’s explore what people-pleasing looks like, why it happens, and how you can take steps toward change.
What People-Pleasing Looks Like
People-pleasing can show up in ways you might not even notice, such as:
• Saying yes to things you don’t want to do because you’re afraid of disappointing someone.
• Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when it means staying silent about your feelings.
• Over-apologizing or taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.
• Constantly seeking approval to feel worthy or accepted.
• Ignoring your own needs and feeling resentful or burned out as a result.
Sound familiar? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.
Why We Fall Into People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often comes from a fear of rejection or a deep desire for acceptance. Maybe you grew up feeling like you had to earn love by being “good” or helpful. Or perhaps past experiences taught you that prioritizing others would keep you safe from conflict or criticism.
As Brené Brown reminds us, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” But when we try to make everyone happy, we often sacrifice our own authenticity.
Similarly, the authors of The Courage to Be Disliked share this powerful truth: “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.” Prioritizing your well-being might mean facing disapproval from others—but it also creates space for a life where you can truly thrive.
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing
1. Get Clear on Your Needs
If you’ve spent most of your life focusing on others, it might feel hard to know what you want. Ask yourself:
• What activities or relationships make me feel energized and fulfilled?
• What situations leave me feeling drained or resentful?
• If I could say no to one thing this week, what would it be?
The authors of The Courage to Be Disliked remind us: “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither are other people living to satisfy yours.” Understanding your own needs is the foundation for breaking free from people-pleasing.
2. Start Small with Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean big, dramatic changes. Start with small steps:
• Say no to a minor request that feels overwhelming.
• Set a time limit for how long you’re available to help someone.
• Pause before agreeing to anything new and ask yourself, “Do I really want this?”
Each time you honor your limits, you reinforce the message that your needs matter too.
3. Practice Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is about expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, without guilt or apology. Try these simple phrases:
• “I can’t take this on right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”
• “I need to prioritize some other things, so I’ll have to pass this time.”
Speaking up might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a skill that grows with practice.
4. Embrace Discomfort
Saying no or setting boundaries can feel unsettling, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But discomfort is part of growth.
As The Courage to Be Disliked explains, “Life is not a competition to be ranked, but rather a journey to be lived.” Focus less on whether others approve of your choices and more on whether your choices align with your values and needs.
Final Thoughts: You’re Worth Prioritizing
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about rejecting others—it’s about reconnecting with yourself. By learning to honor your needs and set boundaries, you create space for deeper, more authentic relationships.
But let’s be honest—change isn’t always easy. You might notice guilt creeping in as you start saying no or setting limits. That’s normal. Guilt often shows up when you challenge old patterns.
In my next blog, I’ll explore how to deal with the guilt trap that often comes with setting boundaries. Together, we’ll look at why guilt happens and how you can move through it without slipping back into people-pleasing.
If you’d like more personalized support, let’s talk! Together we’ll explore how to help you step out of people-pleasing and into a more confident, authentic version of yourself.
