Learning to Let Go and Ease Anxiety, Stress, and Emotional Exhaustion
Author: Jenny Hsuan Fang Hsu, M.C., R.C.C.
Practice: Love Heals Counselling & Consulting — Vancouver counselling | In-person and online sessions
Many clients who come to counselling tell me they feel like they have to “hold everything together” — their family’s emotions, the direction of the relationship, their performance at work, plans for the future, even how other people see them. When things don’t go as planned, they immediately blame themselves: “Maybe I didn’t do enough.” “If I had tried harder, the outcome would be different.”
When we can’t tell the difference between what is in our control and what isn’t, our body and mind stay in a constant state of pressure. This is why learning the concept of the Circle of Control is so important for easing anxiety, managing stress, and regulating emotions. Knowing what we can actively work on — and what we can slowly release — helps us reconnect with a sense of inner stability.
What is the “Circle of Control”?
The Circle of Control helps us sort the things in our life into three areas: what we can control, what we can influence, and what we cannot control. This awareness is a key step toward reducing anxiety and stress.
1. Inner Circle: What I Can Control (Where My Strength Lies)
This is where you truly have choice and agency, for example:
- The decisions and choices you make
- How you respond to emotions and stress
- Whether you speak up about your needs and boundaries
- Your way of communicating and your attitude
- How you care for your physical and emotional well-being
- Your values and the direction you want your life to go
Bringing your attention back to this inner circle can increase your sense of stability and groundedness, so you’re not completely pulled around by external changes.
2. Middle Circle: What I Can Influence but Not Fully Decide
In this circle, you can show up, invest, and try — but the outcome will never be 100% in your hands. For example:
- The tone of a conversation and how an interaction feels
- Whether your partner or family members are willing to open up and talk
- The long-term patterns in your family relationships and communication
- Collaboration and relationships in the workplace
- Whether a relationship is willing to grow, adjust, or heal together
You can influence these areas, but you can’t control another person or guarantee the result.
3. Outer Circle: What I Cannot Control (What I Need to Learn to Let Go Of)
We often pour a lot of energy into this outer circle, for example:
- Other people’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviours
- Things that have already happened or decisions made in the past
- Expectations from your family of origin or from your culture
- Whether others fully understand you or approve of you
- When someone will be ready to change, apologize, or reflect
- Economic conditions, politics, or changes in the social environment
- The pace of someone else’s healing and growth
Constantly trying to control these things usually only increases anxiety and helplessness. Learning to slowly loosen our grip can actually allow the nervous system and body to exhale.
Why Is It So Hard to Let Go? Control and Self-Blame
In psychology, there is a concept called the locus of control, which refers to where we believe our sense of control comes from: Do I believe that life outcomes mainly come from my own efforts, or are they mostly determined by the outside world?
Some people have a lower sense of control and often feel:
- “Things will be the way they are; nothing I do can really change it.”
- “No matter how hard I try, it doesn’t seem to matter.”
- “I’m just barely hanging on.”
It might sound like this would make someone “go easier” on themselves, but research shows that people with a lower sense of control often blame themselves even more. When things don’t go well, they tend to think:
- “It must be because I’m not good enough.”
- “If I tried harder, this wouldn’t have happened.”
- “Things turned out this way because of me.”
This can create a vicious cycle: feeling like you don’t have real control → trying even harder to control every detail → feeling more anxious and exhausted → blaming yourself even more → feeling even less in control.
Cultural Context: Why Is This Especially Common in Chinese and Immigrant Families?
In many Chinese or immigrant families, we grow up hearing messages like:
- “Be sensible; don’t embarrass the family.”
- “Work harder; you can’t fail.”
- “Don’t trouble others.”
- “As long as the family is happy, you can just endure it.”
These messages teach many of us to automatically put other people’s feelings and family expectations ahead of our own. It becomes very easy to internalize a belief like: “If someone is upset or disappointed, it must be because I did something wrong.”
This is not a personal flaw. It’s a survival strategy you learned in order to belong and stay safe in your family and culture. But as you grow up and start taking responsibility for your own life, this same pattern can become very heavy and painful to carry.
How Can the Circle of Control Help Reduce Anxiety and Stress?
1. Less Anxiety and Constant Worry
When you gradually learn to let go of what sits in the outer circle, your body and emotions have more room to relax. Your nervous system doesn’t need to stay stuck in a constant fight-or-flight mode, which helps ease anxiety and even some physical symptoms.
2. Your Efforts Become More Effective
When your energy is focused on “What can I actually do next?” you have a clearer sense of direction, instead of worrying about ten things you can’t change. This usually increases both your effectiveness and sense of purpose, instead of leaving you spinning in circles.
3. Growing Self-Compassion Instead of Constant Self-Blame
Blaming yourself for everything is deeply unfair to you. Once you begin to sort out “This is within my responsibility” versus “This is beyond my capacity or control,” you can start treating yourself with more kindness. You can offer yourself empathy instead of only criticism.
4. Focusing on Where Real Change Can Happen
Growth is not about “taking care of everyone perfectly.” It’s about facing your own needs, emotions, and relationship patterns honestly. This is also at the heart of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): understanding emotions, shifting interactions, and building safer, more secure connections.
A Small Step You Can Practice Right Away
The next time you feel overwhelmed or your mind keeps spinning, you might ask yourself:
“Is this within my Circle of Control? Is it something I can control, something I can influence, or something that is not in my hands at all?”
Then try to practice:
- Gently loosening your grip on what is not in your control
- For what you can influence, expressing yourself in a clear and respectful way
- Putting most of your energy into the inner circle: your own feelings, choices, and self-care
This won’t change overnight, and it doesn’t have to. But each moment of awareness is like creating a new pathway in your nervous system, slowly strengthening the belief: “I am allowed to make choices for myself.”
If You Feel Like You’re Carrying Too Much, You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you often feel like you’re responsible for too much, find it hard to say no, constantly blame yourself, or feel a lot of guilt in your relationships, these feelings deserve to be seen and understood — not judged or dismissed.
In a gentle, culturally sensitive, LGBTQ+-affirming counselling space, we can work together to:
- Practice setting boundaries, instead of always accommodating others
- Understand why self-blame shows up so easily, and slowly learn to treat yourself with more care
- Recognize the roles you’ve been carrying in your family and relationships for a long time
- Rebuild a sense of choice and agency in your life
- Move from just “holding it all together” to being seen, supported, and emotionally connected
If you’re ready to explore your own Circle of Control and would like life to feel like more than just responsibility and pressure, you’re warmly invited to book a free 20-minute consultation. It would be my honour to walk alongside you for this part of your journey.
